Ariana Grande’s “Thank U, Next” Is A Love Song Not A Diss Track

Ariana Grande graced us with another bop this past weekend, and I couldn’t be more in love with the song. She names all her former loves and her feelings about them with a big giant “Thank you, but I’m finally moving on”.

It’s a beautiful message to be able to let go of past hurt and finally be at peace. However, I’ve been seeing a lot of folks (who love the song, undoubtedly) describe it as a diss track and something extremely petty.

“Thank U, Next” is a love song to herself. She is able to forgive herself, acknowledge her worth and move on from pain and anger she harbored toward any of her exes.

One taught me love
One taught me patience
And one taught me pain
Now, I’m so amazing
I’ve loved and I’ve lost
But that’s not what I see
So look what I got
Look what you taught me

After Ariana and former fiancée, Pete Davidson, ended their brief engagement, a vicious rumor spread that Pete sent naked photos of Ariana to the late Mac Miller. Fortunately, the rumor was immediately squashed, and both Pete and Ariana have wished the other well.

However, people’s response to the rumor and how quickly the rumor was able to spread raise interesting questions about what we think  a break up really means.

Breaking up doesn’t have to be a big explosion where you yell and scream and fight. Although, it’s depicted often in film, TV, and social media as a giant theatrical production, break ups can be healthy and civil. There doesn’t even have to be a single defining moment to give you a reason to end your relationship with someone. Breaking up can be something as simple as this relationship is no longer serving either one of us so I think it’s best to part ways.

Thank you, Ariana, for imparting your wisdom and growth on your fans. And teaching us that you can always just walk away and move on.

 

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18 Ways To Tell A Guy “No” Besides “No”

You’re walking down the street, enjoying the sunshine, you’re at the bar waiting on your drinks, you’re in the dairy aisle looking for yogurt, or you’re simply minding your own business. We’ve all been there… been preoccupied with other things… enjoying ourselves. But you get interrupted by a guy asking about your day, asking your name, asking for your number.

You’re not interested. Or you’re not really in the mood. Or you have a beautiful loving significant other waiting for you at home. All you have to do is tell him, “No. Thank You.” And you can be on your merry way. Ah, but if only it were that simple.

He doesn’t care if you, say no. He loves a challenge. Even if you have kids or a boyfriend, these are merely speed bumps on his road to Love Town. Husband? Challenge accepted. Lesbian? Double challenge accepted.

So what’s a girl to do?

Here are 18 things to say and do that will kill a mood so fast that guy will wish he never even said hello.

  1.  I’m sorry, but I recently contracted [insert sexually transmitted disease here], and the doctor says it’s going to be six months before I can have sex again.
  2. I no longer have a vagina. I’m just bare.  It’s sort of like a Barbie doll down there.
  3. Hey! I know you! We’re cousins.
  4. *Scream. Just scream really loud and for a really long time*
  5. Oh my gosh. I slept with your dad.
  6. Oh my gosh I slept with your mom.
  7. It’s coming! Where’s the nearest bathroom?! Hurry. I can’t hold it.
  8. My boyfriend just got out of prison for attempted murder. But I’m sure he would love to meet you.
  9. If I give you my number, can I have a sample of your sweat?
  10. I’m having my brother’s baby right now so I’m just too preoccupied to go out with anyone.
  11. *If you are fluent in another language, begin speaking it*
  12. You’re the perfect specimen for our experiment. I can’t wait to tell Dr. Thorpe.
  13. *Don’t blink*
  14. *If wearing wig or extensions, take off and begin to pet and whisper ‘shhh’*
  15. *Talk in a baby voice*
  16. *Pick your nose and then inspect closely what comes out*
  17. *Pretend you’re a car alarm*
  18. *Facetime your mom and tell her that you found someone willing to marry you*

 

8 Reasons You Should Break Up With Him

Hopefully this will be the push you need to make the right choice. We’ve all known we should break up with someone, but we didn’t have concrete reasons. Here are your reasons!

1. He’s a poor communicator.

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Communication is the foundation of a relationship. If you can’t talk to your significant other, then what is your relationship based on? A long lasting healthy relationship isn’t based on just the physical, and you need good dialogue and conversation to sustain it. There will be good times and bad times, but to make it through the bad times, you need good communication skills or a willingness to try.

2. You don’t feel like you can confide in him.

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Imagine that your friend constantly blabbed everything you told her or made you feel terrible about something deeply personal, you’d probably stop being her friend. Why don’t we extend that same mindset to our boyfriends?

3. He feels threatened by your success.

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If a man is threatened by your success, it’s probably because he’s insecure. He could be insecure with the projection of his own life or even just insecure with his own masculinity. Real men are comfortable with the strength and success of their partners.

4. He doesn’t like your family.

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Given your family members aren’t racist serial killers, they’re probably going to be a part of your life until the day you die. They have nurtured you and have cared for you, and you love them. If your partner doesn’t like them, that could mean a future in which you don’t see your family as much or you’re constantly choosing him over them.

5. You sacrifice your friendships to be with him.

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Friends are so important. They were there before him, and they’ll be there for you after him.

6. He gets in the way of you reaching your goals.

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If a boyfriend gets in the way of doing what makes you happy, they don’t really love you.

7. Your values and beliefs are completely different.

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I see this happen so often in interracial relationships, especially with black women and white men. They get deep into the relationship, and out of the blue they find their boyfriend’s confederate flag and swastika memorabilia. It’s okay to have a few differences of opinions, but some beliefs and values are really important to who we are and affect the ways in which we live and interact with the world. Is that something you want to change or sacrifice? If the answer is no, push it and keep it moving.

8. And lastly, you constantly think about breaking up with him.

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Don’t ever ignore your gut. If you feel like things aren’t right, then they probably aren’t. This could have nothing to do with your boyfriend. You may be going through your own internal struggle and need some time to be alone. Be fair to both you and your partner and end things.

Last Week You Said That Men Are Trash and Now You Got a Man: Dismantling the patriarchy in a healthy and loving relationship

Your resident expert in f**kboy-ology got a man. Yup. You heard right. I left the life of sleeping diagonal and an unwaxed body for cuddles and emotional support.

And let me just say, it’s not that bad. Correction. It’s pretty great. I always have someone to go to the movies with, someone who listens to me bemoan the troubles of my day, and someone who ignites a fiery passion in me that is just too explicit to discuss on this blog.

If you’ve been following along with me on my dating journey, you will know that I have not had the best luck with men. I have a zero tolerance for the absolute f**kery that men (and those who uphold and support said f**kery of men) put us through.

I am a feminist in every sense of the word. A womanist truly. And the guys I’ve dated have not supported or been good representatives of my beliefs and values and as such, I’ve projected those past traumas onto potential boyfriends.

And that’s just not healthy at all.

Yeah, keeping a guard up at all times will keep you protected. But it doesn’t allow any opportunity to be truly loved by another person.

But let’s face it . The patriarchy is not in retrograde. And the performance of toxic masculinity is at an all time high.

So what does that mean for the dating scene?

Should you commit to a life of abstinence and lock yourself away in a tower waiting for an unproblematic Prince Charming?

No. Please don’t do that. That sounds depressing.

Continue to date and be open to love, but remember your worth. Be transparent about your values. And don’t sacrifice parts of  yourself because you think, “Well, damn. This is as good as it’s gonna get.”

There are men who have ditched their macho man facades and are comfortable in their own masculinity and are not threatened because you’re comfortable in your femininity.

Dating White Boys: An exposé

Let me just preface this blog post by saying that I really struggled writing it because I know how much crap I’m going to get for it. And even as I’m typing these words right now, I’m nervously laughing, but it’s something that I have to get off my chest. Disclaimer: This post focuses primarily on my experiences in heterosexual relationships. 

If you know me, you know that the majority of the guys I’ve dated, talked to, and other lingo that youth use to describe people they’re semi-romantically involved with have been primarily white. My first love was black, and the only guy I’ve ever seriously tried to date was black, I went on a date with a couple of Mexican guys (but I don’t think they realized they were dates), I went out with a Pilipino guy (and they’re high key the black people of Asian folks), but for the most part I’ve dated white guys.

When I was in my self-hating phase of life (high school), I kind of went out of my way to date only white guys. I for real thought I was white. But when I went to college and started to embrace my blackness, I wasn’t actively trying to date outside of my race. I dated mostly white guys because white men are just everywhere in San Diego, especially on my campus. Black men are just low in numbers.

Let’s do a break down of the University of San Diego:

USD is home to approximately 5,000 undergraduate students.

60% women; 40% men.

The percentage of black students is less than 3%.

Once you take away the black women,

The black men in relationships,

The black men who only like black men,

The black men who messed around with one of your girls so they’re clearly off limits,

And the black athletes because they never see the light of day,

You’re left with two black men who I’m just not that into or aren’t interested in me for a variety of reasons, and I should not have to settle just because someone is my only option. No one should. (Mama raised a girl with standards).

I’m a full time student, and I work. The only place I’m really going to meet someone is at school or Tinder, and if you’ve read my previous posts, you know the Tinder option sucks!(This is starting to sound like an excuse for why I’ve dated white guys, but don’t worry, I’m giving you background information to get to the good stuff. *wink wink*) So I’ve just been open to dating white guys because dating in a general sense is a numbers game, and I’ve been trying to increase my odds.

But it’s been terrible to say the least. The white guys I’ve dated have had fetishes for black women… BIG TIME.

Several guys have told me that they’ve never been with a girl my color before so clearly they’ve been dying to swipe their black girl card.

Another guy wanted to be my “King White Chocolate”.

One wanted to be called “Master” in the bedroom.

This other guy, and this one is funny, said that he wanted to see my “black tit”. *disc scratch*

Wait, what?!

Why does it have to be my “black tit”? Can’t it just be my “tit”? And why just one tit? What about the other tit? Why do you not want to see both titties?

Nevertheless, it’s safe to say that I no longer date, see, or interact with any of these guys anymore. However, between these fetishizing f*ck boys, were quality white guys.

I dated a guy who thought talking about race was really important and we, as a society needed to talk about it more. He also described himself as a feminist. Talk about a panty dropper. The only problem… he smoked a lot of pot.

And I went out with another white guy who really valued my thoughts on a black character he was writing in a screenplay. He didn’t want to tokenize her. *Heart eyes for not writing bogus ass black characters*. Timing just didn’t work out for us, and I was kinda sowing my wild oats.

But dating for me has been quite difficult. And the fetishizing f*ck boys have outnumbered the quality non-fetishizing ones substantially. They’re not necessarily “bad guys”, they’ve just been heavily misguided by a culture that sees black people, black women, as foreign, exotic, and even primitive beings.

I guess the point of this post is to say that dating is hard. There’s a series of questions one asks themselves throughout the entire process. Does he like me? Is he having a good time? Is he going to ask me out again? But when you’re a black woman sometimes you have to ask a little more like… Is he into light bondage that is heavily reminiscent of slavery?

When it comes down to dating outside of my race as a socially conscious black woman, I have to be careful. I can’t just date a guy because he might be “woke”. I have to date someone who not only values me as a woman, but as a black woman, which are two completely different experiences in this country (because the way we see woman is white). And if my guy doesn’t understand that, then the relationship will grow at a speed ranging from snail to nonexistent.

There’s nothing wrong with dating white guys. Even though I’ve been through what I have, I am not opposed to dating a man from other races. There are many successful interracial relationships out there where both individuals understand the other’s struggles, but in my experience as a young black woman, I have not had that success.

So my advice to you is to go out there into the world. Find you a black guy, a white guy, a brown guy, any guy! Just make sure he’s a good guy for you. Don’t sacrifice any of your identities because you have a fear of being alone. The right person will come along. I promise.